Saturday

It wasn't you that I was angry with, but I took it out on you. Sure, I was a little put off by the crying, but there were so many other things going on in my head. Old angry feelings and thoughts going back to childhood got me stressed and worked up.

I wanted to show you a movie that I made of Dan, Chris and myself, laying a new roof on my house.

I have a movie I want to show you.

I don't want to see a movie!

This is going to be really cool.

I DON"T want to see a movie!

This is really cool, it's a surprise and I know you'll like it.

You start to cry as I set up my computer.

Gabriel, if you don't want to watch it we can turn it off, but I think you're going to really like this.

I DON'T WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE MOVIE NIGHT!

The words 'movie night' make my heart jump. I never said anything about movie night. I continue setting up the computer because, being the asshole that I can be sometimes, now I am determined that you watch this movie. Your crying has now become, to MY ears I am sure, continuous howling and wailing...my computer boots up...and it cannot recognize the user and none of my files are there...

nothing...months of work gone...

the files can be recovered, I just need to take it somewhere...why is he crying like that?...she got into his head...I'm stressing him out...once he sees the movie he'll calm down...the fuckin' files are gone!...no french fries, french fries at home only, no robots, tell guyguy no 5 guys...and now I'm thinking about my Mom...I just lost 3 months of work and I have a deadline...FUCK!!...FUCK!!...FUCK!!

GABRIEL! KNOCK THAT SHIT OF RIGHT NOW! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S ON THE MOVIE OR WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT! SHUT YOUR FUCKIN MOUTH, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER...

Listen to me...this is a movie I made of me and Dan and Chris laying down a new roof on my house.

You stop crying...

But now my fuckin' computer won't work and the movie is lost so you have nothing to cry about.

I want to see a movie about your house. I only want to see movies that guyguy makes.

Well, don't worry about it...I have to reboot my computer to see if the files are even there.

You move over to the table and sit across from me. You have your lego ships and you're playing with them. And even though I feel like a complete dick for yelling at you, when you start to talk about your legos I can't seem to snap out of the awful place that I just went to. I ask you to give me a minute, and you do. Back to playing you go...but I know that it is hard for you.

Sniffling, you say...

You hear my nose is running, that's because I'm sick.

No, you're nose is running because you were crying like a little bitch.

Where the fuck was my my head? Where was I? Back to being a kid again, 12 years old...jesus christ...

Of all the ways I could have responded to that statement; I chose to be cruel. How absolutely shameful. It gets better...

Mom says no movie night.

This isn't movie night. I just have a short clip I want to show you.

My computer has found itself after a reboot, and I search for the files...can't find the movie of the roof, I must not have uploaded it yet...but here are the movies that I took of my house. I start to play one, and you start screaming, waving your hand at me.

STOP IT!!

GABRIEL! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOUR MOM THINKS YOU CAN AND CAN'T DO! I AM YOUR FATHER AND IF I SAY SOMETHING IS OK, IT'S OK! Now...SHUT...YOUR...FUCKIN'...MOUTH.

And that is what it's all REALLY about. Those old, sad, feelings and fears of control. Those angry and miserable hurts of failed relationships. The jealousy, shame, fear, anxiety, sadness, frustrations, mistrust...

I need more rest.