Carpe Dizzle

Saturday

2011-12-03T22:56:00.002-05:00

Tonight I went to a pig roast in downtown Baltimore. About a half a block from the Brewer's Art. Along the side of the house a 'pit' was built up using cinder blocks. Four bags of charcoal were poured in and when the fire was blazing the pig was suspended above the fire with a custom made pack made of rebar. The pig was about 60lbs or so...it was roasting for 4 hours I believe.

When it was time, the pig was removed from the fire and four people wearing 'phantom of the opera' masks lifted the pig onto their shoulders like a palanquin. They walked up the alley and over to Charles St, turned left to go south, then right and crossed the street at the next intersection and made a right, going north on Charles and then to the house.

The pig was carved and we feasted.

Saturday

2011-11-12T22:43:00.003-05:00

Although I was pretty irked by the fact that I took Thursday off from my primary job to go work at another job, and later have that job fall through leaving me with a Thursday night off with no work, I was glad that I would be able to get a good amount of rest before our weekend. Most Friday mornings I am running on 3 hours of sleep when I pick you up. My primary job keeps me working til 3 am and if I'm lucky I am asleep by 4 am, to get up at 7 am. On a good Thursday I'll be home by 2:30 and asleep by 3:30, sometimes I can't sleep at all and might be laying in bed awake until 5. For the most part I've become accustomed to it but even at my best I'm dragging.

What a difference a good amount of sleep makes.

I hope that you will never be in a situation like mine. Don't get me wrong, I am lucky and thankful to have the job that I do and work at the place that I work. But I dream for the day where I am able to work with a more reasonable schedule and not work so much.

Red grapefruit is excellent for sore throats.

Wednesday

2011-10-19T21:17:00.003-04:00

The plan was to debut my new "unfried rice." A bowl containing the ingredients for fried rice, just not fried. The ingredients are heated in a non stick pan, slowly pan fried until just right and then the sauce is added. The sauce being ginger, garlic, mirin, oyster sauce, braggs amino acids, canola oil, and a little bit of soy (which in retrospect should have been omitted)...epic fail. The idea and execution were solid, but the chicken that I added was baked and offensively dry. Bleagh. Next time I'll marinate the chicken and give it a nice coating of oil before I bake or better yet, grill it.

A rainy day is a great library day.

Saturday

2011-10-15T19:38:00.003-04:00

It wasn't you that I was angry with, but I took it out on you. Sure, I was a little put off by the crying, but there were so many other things going on in my head. Old angry feelings and thoughts going back to childhood got me stressed and worked up.

I wanted to show you a movie that I made of Dan, Chris and myself, laying a new roof on my house.

I have a movie I want to show you.

I don't want to see a movie!

This is going to be really cool.

I DON"T want to see a movie!

This is really cool, it's a surprise and I know you'll like it.

You start to cry as I set up my computer.

Gabriel, if you don't want to watch it we can turn it off, but I think you're going to really like this.

I DON'T WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE MOVIE NIGHT!

The words 'movie night' make my heart jump. I never said anything about movie night. I continue setting up the computer because, being the asshole that I can be sometimes, now I am determined that you watch this movie. Your crying has now become, to MY ears I am sure, continuous howling and wailing...my computer boots up...and it cannot recognize the user and none of my files are there...

nothing...months of work gone...

the files can be recovered, I just need to take it somewhere...why is he crying like that?...she got into his head...I'm stressing him out...once he sees the movie he'll calm down...the fuckin' files are gone!...no french fries, french fries at home only, no robots, tell guyguy no 5 guys...and now I'm thinking about my Mom...I just lost 3 months of work and I have a deadline...FUCK!!...FUCK!!...FUCK!!

GABRIEL! KNOCK THAT SHIT OF RIGHT NOW! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S ON THE MOVIE OR WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT! SHUT YOUR FUCKIN MOUTH, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER...

Listen to me...this is a movie I made of me and Dan and Chris laying down a new roof on my house.

You stop crying...

But now my fuckin' computer won't work and the movie is lost so you have nothing to cry about.

I want to see a movie about your house. I only want to see movies that guyguy makes.

Well, don't worry about it...I have to reboot my computer to see if the files are even there.

You move over to the table and sit across from me. You have your lego ships and you're playing with them. And even though I feel like a complete dick for yelling at you, when you start to talk about your legos I can't seem to snap out of the awful place that I just went to. I ask you to give me a minute, and you do. Back to playing you go...but I know that it is hard for you.

Sniffling, you say...

You hear my nose is running, that's because I'm sick.

No, you're nose is running because you were crying like a little bitch.

Where the fuck was my my head? Where was I? Back to being a kid again, 12 years old...jesus christ...

Of all the ways I could have responded to that statement; I chose to be cruel. How absolutely shameful. It gets better...

Mom says no movie night.

This isn't movie night. I just have a short clip I want to show you.

My computer has found itself after a reboot, and I search for the files...can't find the movie of the roof, I must not have uploaded it yet...but here are the movies that I took of my house. I start to play one, and you start screaming, waving your hand at me.

STOP IT!!

GABRIEL! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOUR MOM THINKS YOU CAN AND CAN'T DO! I AM YOUR FATHER AND IF I SAY SOMETHING IS OK, IT'S OK! Now...SHUT...YOUR...FUCKIN'...MOUTH.

And that is what it's all REALLY about. Those old, sad, feelings and fears of control. Those angry and miserable hurts of failed relationships. The jealousy, shame, fear, anxiety, sadness, frustrations, mistrust...

I need more rest.

Wednesday

2011-10-12T22:23:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time since I've been here. Now that we've been spending more time together the reality of being a father has forced me to make some very real adjustments to how I spend my time. This space has been a rare afterthought among the millions of things I have to get done every day. The road I've chosen has been a hard one.

It's been a year since the first time we went camping in Coatsville. There had been a rainstorm earlier in the week and the Brandywine River had flooded. We went hiking and exploring and lit fireworks and ate good food. We lucked out with the weather. After I had dropped you off I went back to the campsite to stay overnight and leave in the morning. On the way back I not only got lost on the backroads I also hit a dear. My car still has the imprint of the deer on the hood and the bumper is still smashed up.

The past year has been a lot of fun. I wonder if you will remember the stinging shower at the hostel, grilling chicken at the back of the hotel that was waaaaay too salty, riding in Dan's truck with Cali on the beach, catching sharks, making a tent in the hotel room to sleep under, or exploring the mountains and listening to the echos from the gun range?

Saturday

2010-09-18T13:34:00.002-04:00

This past Monday was the start of school. Excited on Monday, by Wednesday you were over it and not too happy about going to school. When I asked you about you told me that it was fun, but that today you "cried and cried."

"I didn't want to go."

"I used to cry when I had to go to school too, but eventually I stopped and learned to really like school."

"Why?"

"Because I liked to learn new things, and I liked to meet new people and meet new friends."

"I have Hannah."

"Hannah is your friend?"

"Yes, she was sick today."

"Aww, that's a bummer."

"Bwahahaha!! What does 'bummer' mean?"

"A bummer is when something is disappointing. Like when you expect to see someone, but they aren't there because of a cold. That's a bummer."

"Bummer is like bum?"

"No, a bummer is disappointing."

"Bum-mer....bum-mer...I want to go to a bum show."

"?!"

"I want to go to a bum show."

"What happens at a bum show?"

"Look at bums."

"What kind of bums?"

"Look at people's bums!"

"?!"

"And dog bums and horse bums."

"Like a rodeo, with people riding horses and bulls?"

"No, a bum show."

Since the start of school our schedule is different and our time together is shorter than before. Not sure how it would all play out, I planned on going out to eat somewhere. Maybe a restaurant (Baja Fresh, Tony's, Whole Foods...etc) and then perhaps the mall. Not my idea of quality time but at the very least it's play and time for us to work on our report.

School has you in a mood and rather than us going off on our own, you wanted to ride with me and go to the library with Mom and sis. On our way there you suddenly want to go to the mall, but since you already said library we make a stop there and read books and you ate a cupcake that the library provided for 'cupcake decoration day' or something. Where's Waldo was pretty engaging but when you were done with it you were done with it and wanted to go to the mall and play games.

By this time my blood sugar was starting to get sketchy and I had to get something to eat, plus I knew that you hadn't had any food either (besides a cupcake) and so we were making a stop at Whole Food's (which is attached to the mall) for some food and coffee.

"I want to go to the mall, now."

"We're at the mall, but we're going to get something to eat first, and I'm gonna get some coffee."

"You can get coffee at the mall."

"I want to get coffee at Whole Foods."

"Why?"

"They're coffee is better."

"I want to go to the mall, now."

"We will, but you have to be patient."

"I don't want to be patient. I want to be a bummer."

Bwahahaha!!

Tuesday

2010-09-07T15:32:00.002-04:00

A few months ago I bought you a stainless steel camelbak water bottle. It has one of those fancy flip up and bite mouthpieces that is harder to flip up than the one that I bought for myself. For the past few months I have watched you try to flip it up, and then flipped it up for you after you gave it your best shot and asked for help.

Last week after going through this routine again, you looked at the nozzle...studying it. After a second you turned it around and rather than trying to flip the nozzle up you stuck your finger through the back and pushed the nozzle up. Smiling, you showed me what you did and explained to me how to open it. Teaching me something that I didn't know and most likely would not have ever figured out. A proud moment for me.

Wednesday

2010-08-18T16:59:00.007-04:00

Making faces.

Breakfast at Whole Foods. Chicken, Seaweed salad, that Incan grain/rice thing, and some fruit.

Dinosaur silly bands from Aunty Karma

"Don't do that!? Why did you do that!? "

I couldn't help but laugh at the look on your face, of complete disgust and befuddlement at my placing of that Incan-grain-rice-like thing close enough to the chicken that some of it touched and actually landed on the chicken. Chuckling to myself at how particular you are you look at me smiling and ask me why I'm laughing.

"You"

"Why?"

"Because you're funny"

"Why am I funny?"

"You just are."

Laughing to yourself, "Yeah, I am."

Seaweed salad, blueberries, the green stuff (honeydo), strawberries, chicken, and a penne pasta salad that you wanted me to try. You made sure that we had enough, pointing out that we needed more chicken and seaweed salad. This is by far the nicest Whole Foods that I have ever been to. They have a rooftop deck for dining, and a kid's room with toys, crayons, little shopping carts and fake fruits and vegetables. The rooftop is our choice and we make a move.

I figure you wanted me to try the penne salad because you wanted to try it. It's mayonaise based, with smoked gouda chunks and parmesean shavings on top, with red peppers. It's a little too spicy for you, I think it was paprika, and there was way too much mayo for me. The seaweed salad was good, the fruit was fresh, and the chicken was done simply and well. When I mention that they did a good job on the chicken you gesture to the penne and say,"They didn't do a good job on that."

Plymouth Meeting is a nice area. Clean, seems safe, quiet. I can't wait to move up there. Our own place. Your own room. I can't wait to wake up and have you there, playing, sitting on the balcony in the morning, peeing and pooping and sitting and eating tasty food and going to the park.

2010

2010-05-23T00:27:00.004-04:00

It's been awhile. No money, no internet, no real thoughts worth writing down. Or so I thought at the time. The frustration and the sense of panic had me in a state of mind where as always, I don't feel like sharing. Would rather sort it out myself, or come to the conclusion that worrying about it and talking about it are purposeless. Who was it who said that nature abhors a purposeless thing?

Things are better now, although I am still doing what I had planned to never do again (working in restaurants). The money is good and that hole doesn't look as deep as it once did. Plans have been laid and projects started, and while daily life can be something of a drag, there are bright moments.

Since I last wrote, you have 2 new cousins: Sachiko Grace Liddel and Emiko Grace Ichikawa. Funny that they have the same name, after a great woman. I had the opportunity to meat Sachiko, as well as your other cousins Lulu, Doug, and Jojo, this past February. At 3 months, Sachiko's hand was constantly in her mouth, and her head lolled from side to side like a drunkard, she has a very bright smile, long feet, and a full and very bushy head of hair (which is straight when dry but curls up really tight when wet, adorable!). I took the opportunity to change her diaper when I could, feed her when I could, and tried my best to make her smile (even succeeding on several occasions).

Luana is a talkative and happy girl, energetic and friendly. She crawled into the bed I was sleeping on and blasted a HUGE fart. She loves limes and telling stories about her day. At the park a man gave us some bread he was feeding to the geese and Lulu would not get down from me. She wanted to know if the geese bit, which I told her they didn't as they were biting me.

Doug is quiet and reserved and very thoughtful. He's sensitive and thoughtful, and a cool kid to be around. Like the rest of us, he likes to climb and hang from things, just because they are there would be my guess. When Jojo was acting up at a restaurant and I took her outside when she started crying, Doug asked "if I'm bad can I go outside?"

Jojo is a precocious one, off doing things on her own to show up later with a mouth full of gum. She's crazy confident and jumps from things higher off the ground than I would like. But she does just fine. She's grown into her baby fat, she was a tubby one, and can be found eating whole cucumbers and other vegetables at any given time of the day. She will forgo everything on her plate for some cucumbers. Which we are all happy about.

Emiko was born last week and a month early. Thanks to attentive parents and modern technology Emiko is doing well, breathing on her own, eating and gaining weight. I think she goes home in a week. She looks strangely like her father. I say strange because that's a face that I have always seen as male. She is sooo cute.

More to come later.

海洋日

2010-01-26T16:46:00.002-05:00

Keeping a cool head, thinking about things, being honorable, honest and patient continue to pay dividends. Karma faeries remain a happy presence in my life, and but for being broke, all is well.

Peace is within.

2010

2010-01-12T16:24:00.005-05:00

From our last meeting of 2009.

2010? Already? 3 years old this year? And in just 6 short months? Where has the time gone?

Times are, and have been, pretty hard. You know it's rough when driving home and trying to figure out which costs less, taking the tunnel or driving through the city. When the refrigerator is filled with soy milk and condiments and nothing else, and cereal boxes make up a stack of rowhomes on top. The internet and central heat are luxuries that are treated as such (in other words, nonexistent).

I sit here at work making use of their free wifi and waiting to essentially whore myself for 20% of a diners bill.

Is this gloomy and sad? It certainly reads like it. But the world is turning and I have been making some right moves, the days are getting longer (more sun!) and my resolve and passions have been rediscovered.

Monday

2009-11-16T21:23:00.003-05:00

I hope this site is still up when you're ready to read this. Or at least I will have found this book:

http://pinktentacle.com/2009/10/anatomy-of-japanese-folk-monsters/

海洋日

2009-10-27T20:28:00.002-04:00

For some reason October has traditionally been a month of exceptional hardship. Last year at this time I had problems with management at work that lead to my dismissal/leaving. Years prior I remember the shock at seeing the drastic cut in income from the passing of the money season tending bar or waiting tables. When I worked in big ticket sales at Sears we called it 'Black October' because sales would drop off dramatically. Hmmm...on a personal level it isn't much different from other months. Ups and downs, always. But nothing of note. Everything tied into income.

You're sick. Have been for a week now. Current status not known, but your cough and fever persist and no doubt a great amount of discomfort and frustration. Being so far away is especially unnerving at times like these. There are no easy chicken soup drop offs or quick hellos. It would be no thing for me to go up there, but jury duty tomorrow jams me up. I hope that you feel better soon.

日強美

2009-10-25T23:16:00.003-04:00

Times are hard now. Every minute of the day I worry about my finances. The obligations are piling up and the income is slowing down. Returning to restaurant work is my only option at this point. Bogus.

Tonight on CNN the city I grew up in, Pico Rivera, was featured in a CNN special on being a Latino in America. From what I have heard some years ago, the area had changed for the worse. Gang activity, violence, drugs...the usual sicknesses of society, had become more prevalent since living there 30 years ago (30 years! Holy...). Even though I spent more time as a child in Hawaii, I still consider Pico Rivera to be my home town, and have always thought of myself more as a Californian than Hawaiian. I had always thought that it was because I was 8 when we left and by that time a certain part of my psyche or brain or spirit had developed and I was ingrained. It could also be the way that our lives changed, and the changes that were happening in my family, that created a desire for what used to be and a part of the world that was more comfortable to identify with.

But I digress.

I remember the frost on the grass in the morning, and walking to the bus stop to go to school. I remember the hawks, and the trains, and the excellent, excellent, super excellent food that our neighbor Stella Gonzales would make. I remember the house parties and Ronnie and Robert and Steven, the kids that I ran with at the time. I remember our next door neighbors, and the 3 sisters that for some reason we called the 'corroded's.' Who came up with that name, I don't know, but seeing a picture of Elsie, the youngest daughter and my brother when he was about 5 or 6, I imagine they all grew up to be beautiful women. I remember our yard with the apple and peach trees, my moms corn, tomatoes, strawberries, and chickens in the back. I remember my Dad and his friend refinishing the wood floors in the kitchen. Our house was designed in a loop, you could go from the kitchen to the laundry room and into a bedroom and down the hall and back into the dining room/living room and into the kitchen again. I can still see Kevin and Sara running into each other in the foyer coming from separate directions around the corner and the both of them getting bloody noses (and screaming bloody murder).

I remember praying for my Mom with my brother and sister while she threw up in the bathroom when she was pregnant with Stacy. I remember flushing toads out from the cinder blocks with the garden hose, always careful not to touch them or we would get warts. I remember Kevin and I would take Sara around the neighborhood and have her step in dog poop so that we could see what happened to it. The biggest cheers coming when we found a semi diarrhea turd that had developed a hard candy shell. The shell cracking and the soft insides oozing out. We would climb trees and pretend they were spaceships, and we would fill spray bottles with urine, garlic, and onions to spray on the stray cats in the neighborhood.

It was my job to pick up after the dogs and in the morning my brother and I would chuck them over the wall into the neighbors yard. They never said anything, or at the least our parents never said anything to us about it. One day Ronnie, my cousin Aaron, and myself, as well as some others, maybe my brother, walked to the junkyard and Aaron cut his foot pretty badly on an a broken bottle. Quoting a movie I am sure, he told us to "go on without me." Although we weren't allowed to go to the junkyard we made several trips there. Sometimes you found baseball cards and toys but mostly we just broke stuff.

I have had a good life.

金曜日

2009-10-09T23:32:00.004-04:00

Today I almost cut my thumb off.

I was so impressed with your ability to use a tool set at Ikea that I bought you a toy set that you could use to build just about anything you wanted. Far more complex than legos, it requires the use of tools that are provided and contains detailed instructions on how to build cars, helicopters, the Eiffel Tower...

I read that it is important not to over challenge toddlers and children, as they can become frustrated and give up, setting a trend later in life (I think there is a lot of over thinking in a lot of these theories, but this made a bit of sense). Not wanting that, I held back and kept it in the trunk, not breaking it out but having it on hand for later. I figure if you want it, you'll play with it, and if you want to do something else I won't push you to play with it.

With that in mind, I bought a set of toys that were simpler in theory. No tools, they were like giant legos but more organic in form and designed to build bugs (it came with eyeballs) and other animals. You were pretty stoked by it, you wanted to make an alligator and other creatures. But the pieces are designed poorly and don't fit into one another very easily. Some parts snap in with no problem, but with others it is even a little hard for me to use since they have to be pushed together in a very specific way with almost no room for error. You knew exactly what to do with them, but were frustrated by the difficulty in snapping them together. I could see the frustration on your face and I was starting to get really, really pissed at the toy designers. In fact, I will write them a letter.

So I thought that holding off on the other toy set was a wise choice. Yes, you may understand it mentally, but your body isn't developing in the same way that your mind is, and that physical inability clearly frustrates you. But this past Wednesday you saw the set in my trunk, and of course you wanted to see it. After all, if it's in the trunk and that's where I stash all the cool stuff isn't it supposed to be played with?

We opened it and you immediately knew what they were for, "go build something" you say, excited. I laid everything out and you saw the crescent wrench, "monkey wrench, go use it?" and when I showed you the screw driver you knew where it went and how to use it. When I told you to turn it the other way to tighten it you did just that. You knew what the monkey wrench was for and we started to put an axle into a wheel and you wanted to make a street cleaner (last week we watched a street cleaner go up and down the street and walked up close and talked with the driver). This surprised me a bit because you called it a leaf blower last week after I corrected you and told you it was a street cleaner. You continued to call it a leaf blower for the rest of the day, but this week you called it a street cleaner. But I digress.

Again, the physical part of it was difficult and it was hard for you to use the monkey wrench. You have no problem asking for help though and so you told me what to do and I did it. But first a little back story...

You, Aunty Su, and I were playing at the volleyball court and you were burying yourself and I noticed that your diaper was opening up a bit and I said, "be careful, you're going to get sand in your nuts." The look on your face told me that the use of the word nuts in that context was new, but also that you knew exactly what I meant. We laughed about it a bit, and you were careful around your nuts.

So I build you this strange wheeled contraption with a handle and you say, "lawn mower" and start to vrooooomvrooooom, brrrrrrrrttt, and roll it between my legs and say, "Guyguy nuts?" and run it into my nuts. Hahahaha!!

That actually reminds me of something else. I always bring food and you always pull things out and there is always one of those blue frozen ice things in the bottom. One day you pull it out and noticing that it's cold, you take it and say, "weiner?" and I'm like, "huh?" and you say, "Guyguy weiner?" and I'm like, "no, I don't want that on my weiner" and you take it and put it in your crotch, laughing.

I hope you like these kinds of stories. They crack me up and are a wonderful part of my memory.

木曜日

2009-10-08T21:26:00.004-04:00

Whoops, think I have my days in 日本語 mixed up.　

”Aunty Su! Aunty Su!"

This past Saturday you met a relative on your Japanese side for the first time. We were early, you were a little late and Su's back was hurting so we went for a walk. Coming around the bend we saw you riding high. I yelled your name and I guess with my big hat and hoodie and walking with another person rather than alone it threw you for a bit. "Hello Guyguy" from far away after a bit. As I expected you were aprehensive and shy. You came to me for a hug and a carry, no problem, but were uninterested and turned your head away from Su.

"I'm your Aunty Sumie" she says.

You turn your head into me and look at my chest.

"That's right, don't look at me" And you sure did that, didn't you.

"Pizza?" you say to me.

"Of course I do, and tofu, and apples, and smoothies, and pomegranate, and ravioli...are you hungry?"

You made sure to look everywhere but at Su.

"White sand" you say. Referring to the volleyball court where we spend much of our time. We bring your digger (a nice big yellow bulldozer/backhoe thing)and make the short journey, your eyes everywhere but on your Aunty Su.

After smashing some sand castles and throwing sand and burying each other and ourselves we went over to the car for some food. When you drank the smoothie that I made you offered her a drink. We shared some smoothie and when I broke out the apples you shared that with her too. You later offered her a piece of apple and when she went to reach for it you shoved it into your mouth. She laughed, called you a turkey and tickled your stomach. To which you replied 'all done.' Hahaha!!

We broke out some blocks that I had got for you awhile ago but figured you would be too advanced for so I didn't really know what to do with them. I had them in the trunk just because, and figured we would give them a whirl if you wanted someday. And today you wanted. We all played with them and you were happy and engaging. I played the drums and we sang some songs and you rocked out to the beat of the drums. And when I say rocked out, I mean rocking out. You were grooving all over and even sang our 'crusty face' song. We also did 'we will, we will, rock you.' We broke out the tools and you dug up a worm and played with the spiderwebs. You used my phone to call the robot, and we made things with the blocks and played a little store.

I don't remember how it started, but Su was talking about tickling your bellybutton. You were playful about it at first, but after a few 'all dones' you started to get a little frustrated. At one point you were noticeably annoyed, sighing with a frustrated look on your face, no doubt thinking to yourself that she wasn't understanding what you meant when you said 'all done.' Finally when she told you that she was going to tickle your belly button again you laid down on your stomach so that she couldn't get to it. We laughed and you did your best to cover your belly button when she had to come over and try to get it just because you were being too smart and cute about it.

I knew it was time to change your diaper and while we took care of that you said, "Aunty Su." And once you remembered her name you said it over and over. When she put your shoes on you laughed with her while she pushed your foot in, and every now and then you would just say it. "Aunty Su, Aunty Su!"

Carpe Dizzle!

木曜日

2009-09-30T22:41:00.002-04:00

お元気ですか！

A couple of weeks ago after some tofu, pizza and pomegranate, you wanted to look in the trunk of my car. This was not the first time, you've done it many times before and since I stash things that I get for you; toys, balls, bubbles, clothes, and shoes, you are always curious to see what awaits. After awhile you started to climb in the trunk, I would pull the seat forward and you'll climb through and into the car and around the interior. This particular day I had my tool bag in the trunk. Wow, you were so excited to see the tool bag. Unbelievably excited, giggling, 'whoahoooo'ing, clapping your hands and repeating, 'tools!'

We went through the toolbag; wire cutters, tape measure, pliers, electric tape, hammer...and the drill...hahaha! You wanted to put on the head lamp and we got to drilling some holes in some wood I had in the trunk. It was hard to pull the trigger but with a little help you had no problem.

日曜日

2009-09-20T21:40:00.002-04:00

During yoga I thought of the Jackass skit where Johnny Knoxville goes to a yoga class and they simulate loud farts the whole time he's in there. The class and instructor try their best to be courteous. He grunts, and moans, and farts, and grunts, and farts and moans and farts. Finally he gets upset and yells at everyone and storms out, the class and instructor laughing.

The combination of what I ate and all the twists and breathing really loosened me up and it was almost painful to hold it in until I could let it out in short and hopefully silent spurts. I escaped without embarrassment. I was concerned that the Indian food would add extra funk, but I didn't detect any. Which doesn't mean that it wasn't there, just that I didn't notice. Imagine yourself straining to hold a pose, your face is pouring sweat, your muscles are shaking, your throat is hot and dry and your heart is pounding, you twist and gaze out and your legs are strong and you're balancing, holding, and you inhale and you take a deep breath of someone's fart...ack!

When I was in college I had a math class at 8:30 in the morning. Most days I would eat a bagel and have some coffee. Sometimes I would stop on the way and get something from McDonald's. For the first half hour of class I would silently pollute the room, choking the girls that sat around me. I have to admit to finding the whole thing pretty funny.

にちようび

2009-09-13T23:07:00.002-04:00

日曜に。

Ahhh, I get it, hit the space bar and the hiragana is converted to kanji. Haha, I still can't read it so I don't know if it's right.

Yesterday I went to my first hot yoga class. Yikes! A friend of mine told me about it and after hearing about how miserable it was and how he had to walk out and take a breather, I just had to try it. Sheesh! You hear people say sweat was pouring off of me and I always took it to mean that one was sweating so much that the sweat was running of your skin...drip, drip, drip. Well, the sweat was literally pouring off of me. From a standing position and then bending at the waist in a swan dive and placing my hands on the mat...it was as if someone had poured water on the back of my head and it ran over and around and off my forehead in a stream.

The mat was so slippery that I was nearly throwing out my knee and had to constantly wipe the mat with my towel. Eventually I just laid my towel on the mat and planted my foot on it.

I had to stop a few times to get a drink of water or compose myself. Sometimes the muscles shake uncontrollably and maintaining balance is impossible. I feel good. I feel taller. My head is clearer. Man, I really want a cigarette.

どようび

2009-08-29T20:20:00.002-04:00

J-List continues to be a happy source of information on Japan and Japanese culture. The purpose of the emails are of course, to sell products. But rather than an electronic flyer detailing specials or coupons, it is a blog style email with just a minimal amount of product placement at the bottom. It has a stream on consciousness feel to it and covers an incredibly broad range of topics: politics, pop culture, anime and manga, life as an American in Japan, life with his Japanese family (I believe he has 2 children) and every now and then a bit about Japanese history.

"Over the weekend I took my son to Matsumoto Castle in Nagano Prefecture, one of the most beautiful castles in this part of Japan. Built in 1590 at the tail end of Japan's "warring states" period, the castle is not only breathtaking to behold from the outside but fascinating to explore inside, with its many floors and rooms including a special space for viewing the moon at night. Fast forward to the Meiji Era, when Japan was busy modernizing in emulation of Great Britain and the United States: the castle was actually sold at auction and scheduled to be demolished so that its iron fittings could be melted down for the scrap value. Happily, a local resident named Ryozo Ichikawa lead the charge to save the castle and have it protected by the local government. Sadly, many of Japan's old castles were located in major cities and did not survive World War II, which gives us a reason to treasure the ones that are still standing all the more."

かいようび

2009-08-25T14:44:00.004-04:00

Guy guy, guy guy, guy guy.

I find myself saying this throughout the days. Mimicking the various inflections that you use for different situations. It always brings a smile to my face.

There is the greeting, spoken quickly and if written would be without commas or spaces (as pronounced): Gaigiagaigaigaigaigai...

There is the "where the heck did you go?" version: Gaaaaiii, Gaiiiii?!

When I climbed up a tree, half chuckling half screaming in happy madness and running towards me: "GAAAAI, GAAAAIIII!!"

If I am kissing you or smelling your head and you snicker, short and to the point: "GaiGai, stop." or "Stop, GaiGai."

When you want me to do something like touch a rock or look at something like a tractor or passing bird, giggling in your deep voice: "GaiGai, touch it" or "GaiGai, tractor."

Most of the time when we are parting ways you say, in a questioning and wanting tone: "GuyGuy, coming?"

Sometimes you just say it as you walk, slow and in a meaningful way (I wish I knew what was going through your head at these times): "Guy Guy, Guy Guy..."

There is a distinct difference in the enunciation and inflection that is impossible to capture in writing. The best I can do is change the spelling a bit. The sound will stay with me forever, so ask me about it and I will mimic it for you.

You're starting to string words together more nowadays. "Can I have it? No Diaper change." And when I ask you "who loves you?" instead of just saying "Guy Guy" you say "Guy Guy loves me."

You recently started this thing, I believe you are being ironic, where you'll say something that I can't usually decifer "yadda, yadda, yadda?" quickly followed with a "Noooo..." and a smile and a chuckle.

Carpe dizzle!

どようび

2009-08-22T01:20:00.002-04:00

Feeling nostalgic. One of my favorite shows when I was growing up. My brother and sister and I would pretend to be the different Battle Fever characters. My Favorite was Battle Kenya. He had the coolest suit and helmet, and he had a baby elephant and wore loincloth. I would draw the monster that we would fight, and we would play out the episodes one fight at a time. Fun!

かいようび！

2009-08-18T19:41:00.003-04:00

小稗余語済ます！わたしのなめ前は市川洋志と！わたしは日本後尾快定ます。私は端が好いてます。わた篠息子佐野台須木です。むすこさんは光延で遊んで今須。枯れ鳩夫雄大輔で寸が、てべてい益田。ははは。

Monday

2009-08-17T22:49:00.002-04:00

Sunday

2009-04-20T01:17:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was the first day of spring that actually felt like spring. I slept with my windows open and no tshirt or socks, and my blanket only lightly wrapped around me (mostly to keep the wonderful sun out of my eyes). And the sky was so clear today, a light breeze, buds sprouting on the tree in my backyard, and flowers (even though they are weeds)popped up around the lawn. The cherry and pear blossoms are still around, and the city is lighting up with color.

Noggins stays outside all day and night. Meowing at the door when she wants to come in and get some food, and then she's right back out. The neighbors are having cookouts. One of them has a karaoke set up. And yes, not all black people can sing.

I love spring.

Carpe Dizzle!

Sunday

2009-04-13T01:18:00.004-04:00

Feeling lazy today, probably coming down with a cold again since Cali has been sick and coughing in my face. I try to turn away, keep my food far from her and don't share, I don't let her stick her hands in my mouth or on my face, and I don't share drinks with her. I try to stay away but what can you do when a 18 month old walks over to you smiling and giggling and raises her arms to you or walks over to you and gives you a hug?

Yesterday I was watching the Abyss, by James Cameron, which I hadn't seen in a long time and has always been a favorite of mine. I got nostalgic and started to think about all the great movies that I have seen and how inspirational some of them have been. The Abyss being one of them, I started to wonder how I would answer in a top 10 format (I love lists btw). But to narrow it all down to 10? 10? and so I wonder...what 25 movies do I think it important for everyone in the whole wide world to see?

25) Akira

24) The Dark Night

23) Deathproof

22) Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

21) The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love

20) Stand By Me

19) Batman

18) The Breakfast Club

17) The Princess Bride

16) Blue in the Face

15) Boogie Nights

14) Audition

13) Reservoir Dogs

12) Kill Bill 2

11) Old Boy

10) Fight Club

9) The Little Mermaid

8) Aliens

7) Star Wars

6) Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance

5) Serenity

4) True Romance

3) Pulp Fiction

2) The Terminator

1) The Empire Strikes Back

Compiling this list was a lot more difficult than I thought. A top 25 movie list and no Star Wars? Reservoir Dogs at number 13? And where is the Lion King? And the Abyss, which started this whole thing isn't even on there! And no, I haven't seen Citizen Kane. In truth, these are all regarded as my top favorite must see bestest movie of all time. Guess I could have left out the numbers.

Sunday

2009-04-05T22:46:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I came home to a mostly empty refrigerator. Condiments, eggs, soy milk, cheese, and broccoli. Hmm, I could have ate some cereal, or made a PBJ, but I felt like some ramen, hooked up with hot sauce, broccoli, and some meat. But the only meat I had was some korean style beef that I had grilled exactly two weeks ago.

I opened it up and sniffed warily, expecting it to be foul. But it wasn't. It looked fine, no bushy growth or discoloration, and it smelled just like it did the day I grilled it. I cut it up along with some broccoli, boiled some water, opened the sauce packet and added some rooster sauce, put the ingredients in a bowl, dropped the noodles in the water, and 10 minutes after smelling the meat for rancid-ness, I was eating. Delicious.

About an hour later my arms started to feel heavy, and my head felt a little cloudy and after a minute my stomach started to get queesy and my legs felt weird and I knew I was gonna be sick. Luckily I was at the supermarket and I got a bottle of tobasco sauce and as soon as I got home I poured an ounce of vinegar into a glass and added about 10 shots of tobasco to it, and shot the whole thing. A tragedy averted.

Fyi-tobasco and or vinegar, when taken in time, can prevent food borne illness. A lesson I learned from a pharmacy student coworker a few years back.

2009-04-01T00:23:00.000-04:00

Monday

2009-03-31T00:37:00.002-04:00

Friday

2009-03-27T18:39:00.001-04:00

Wednesday

2009-03-26T22:42:00.002-04:00

Monday

2009-03-16T14:07:00.005-04:00

I'm watching Cali and since I still haven't been sleeping at night I'm getting tired. My eyes are heavy and my head feels like it's on crooked. She's cool, doing laps around the house and eating pretzels and I'm right there behind her. But it's time for me to close my eyes for a bit.

So, I make her a bottle of warm milk and I have her on the couch with her bottle and I'm singing her a song and her eyes are getting heavy and I think that she is just about ready to fall asleep until one of my cats (Noggins) jumps on the couch with us, and Cali is up and laughing at the cat and petting her and 'what's that?' After Noggins hisses at her, I take her upstairs to my room and I put up everything that could be messed with in the closet, except for the ionizer since I like the fresh air, and block it off and lay a blanket on the floor and pull a pillow down there and I lay down, and she lays down with me. She's babbling and singing but at least she's on the floor and maybe she'll close her eyes and rest for a minute. I'm not sure how long I was asleep, maybe 10 or 15 minutes, but in the time I was asleep she took the ionizer apart and took the metal ionizing insert out and bashes me in the face with it to wake me up. Ouch!

But that was all the rest I needed. After that I felt a thousand times better except my right eyebrow but that was only for about 5 minutes.

After she went to bed last night I did some things that needed doing around the house, watched a little bit of a movie and ate some cereal and then went to bed around 1 am. Cali is sleeping in my bed and I scootch her over and lay down next to her. After tossing for a bit I fall asleep. At around 2 or 3 she gets up screaming, I get up and I'm like, 'hey there, you okay?' She's looking at me blankly and she's whimpering a bit and she points out the window and says, 'what's that?' Ooooooh god nooooooo...I change her diaper and lay back down but she wants to get up and look around. I'm half asleep and she's smacking me in the face like 'get up dude.' And I'm like 'please, oh gods of baby dreams and spirits of sleep and bedtime, please come and bless this young child.'

She ended up climbing back into bed and laid on top of me which was cute and a huge relief because I really didn't want to go outside or sing songs or anything else but go to sleep. She's still more awake than sleepy and she's singing and talking and tossing a bit, and I'm making sure that she doesn't take off. Not that she could really get anywhere, but after being smashed in the face with the ionizer I'm not taking any chances. Eventually she's asleep, and so am I.

Anyway, at 7am she's smacking me in the face and pulling on my lip so I get up, change her, and get her some breakfast.

I am amazed at the amount of food she eats. A whole waffle, and egg, an entire banana, and a vegetarian sausage. Some water and a bottle of milk and then it's back outside and running around the house. I don't mind any of that, but I haven't been able to sleep and so by 11 I'm groggy and trying to get her to take a nap again. Same shit with the cats and all and I've learned my lesson and the ionizer is put away but she's not interested in taking a nap so we hang out, reading books and playing with balloons and talking about sippy cup engineering and I'm waiting for her to poop so then I can take her to the park and hopefully wear her out so she'll take a nap. I'm pretty tired by 12 and after she finally poops I get her things ready (lots of pretzels) and we head out the door. I put her in the car seat and we're driving over to the park and we haven't even been driving for 6 blocks and I check her in the mirror and she's passed out! So I turn around and go back home and lay her down on the couch. Whew! But damn, if I had known it would be that easy...

Saturday

2009-03-15T00:08:00.002-04:00

I've been spending a lot of time with my friends daughter, Cali lately. I see her far more than I do my own son (by no fault of my own) and have gotten to know her very well. Her language is becoming clearer to me each day, and she has helped me prepare for visits with my son by teaching me about the subtle nuances of a child's body language and moods, the amount of preparation and planning needed for a trip to the store and keeping me on my toes and making me aware of how creative and determined a young child can be. She is incredible to behold.

So today I'm driving back up to Baltimore. I haven't been sleeping well and so I'm tired, but we make the drive with no problems. I made sure to pack plenty of pretzels and have her bottle ready for her when she needs it. She naps, eats, sings songs, looks out the window...she did this dance today that I haven't seen before where she pumps her arms up and down as if she were a sprinter, it was cute as hell and I wish I had a video camera set up in my car just for that.

When we get to my house she takes off. She's been here before but it's been awhile so everything is new to her again. She's into everything and since I hadn't planned on bringing her back here I race around trying to get everything that could be dangerous out of range. She's happy and she's beat this bug that she had for the past month and is voracious. She's been eating all day and continues to eat while I follow her around making sure she doesn't accidentally hurt herself. Cheese, crackers, pretzels, eggs, veggie sausage and cereal. For breakfast this morning she ate a whole banana, pretzels, and a bowl of cereal.

For dinner she ate an entire 7in vegetarian italian sausage with some pretzels and a bottle of milk. Jeez! No wonder she's been pooping so much!

Carpe Dizzle!

Monday

2009-03-10T18:43:00.004-04:00

I don't know if I've said this before, but I find the arguments regarding global warming to be unconvincing and off-point. My understanding is that while CO2 and methane and overall human activity could cause a rise in global temperatures with catastrophic results, it is more likely the fluctuating radiation and solar energy from the sun as well as the gradual change in the earth's orbit that is the cause of recent climate changes.

Let's be clear, this is not an 'anti-global' warming argument. I just find the science to be unconvincing. What is clear, at least to me, is the ridiculous amount of pollution that occurs on a daily basis and our need to impose regulation, fines, and new technology to slow down and even stop this atrocity.

Every day industrialized and developing nations spew tons of extremely harmful pollutants into the air (lead, mercury, dioxin and arsenic to name a few), much of it to be absorbed by the oceans of the world where it enters the food chain. Some of the toxins enter the ground, where again they enter the food chain or get kicked up into dust to be inhaled or ingested by our children. Shit, some of it just goes straight from the smokestacks into our lungs. We can now only eat one serving of fish per week for fear of mercury accumulation and poisoning. Mining, trash burning and farming introduce tons of chemicals into the air and into our groundwater.

Right now there are two masses of garbage floating in the pacific ocean that by some estimates are twice the size of the contiguous United States. Containing mostly plastics they aren't going to start deteriorating for another thousand years and are most likely growing by the minute. These floating masses of trash are known as the 'Great Pacific Garbage Patch.'

WTF!

Forget global warming, let's fight pollution.

Saturday

2009-03-07T11:43:00.004-05:00

From l: Kevin, Sara, me, and Stacy

I often think about these moments in my life. As far as I can remember these are the first memories I have of being alive.

The first is of my Mother. While doing laundry in the laundry room, (most likely at the apartment where my parents first lived, but possibly at the house they owned later in Pico Rivera)I sat there on one of the machines or on the floor, playing with my Adam West/Burt Ward Batmobile. I can see her legs moving past me, and I can see her smiling face, I remember the sun shining through the windows, the army men and the little plastic skunk that was one of my favorite toys, and I see the greyish green color on the walls.

The other memory is of my Father and a trip to the beach in California. My brother had arrived a few months earlier (a guess) and I sat in a cove enjoying the water and sound of waves. My parents sat on the sand not too far from me. I remember the water being clear, which is a fabrication or a testament to how long ago this was (California beach water is not clear), and I sat on a rock being happy as can be. Either a wave or just pure imbalance caused me to fall backwards into the water and I was completely submerged. Looking up through the water I remember the sun shining through the strange glassiness that my view had suddenly taken on, and the sound of water rushing into my ears. And out of nowhere my Father's face, and being pulled up from the ocean.

I wonder what Niki's furthest memories will be? Will he remember the spaceship ride that I gave him in the plastic tub? Will he remember the swing ride that we took? Will he remember the zoo and throwing change into the fountain? Will he remember stomping his boots, or making monster faces at me? Will he remember the drum session in the polyurethane beehive? Will he remember kissing the image that I took of him on the display screen of my digital camera? Will he remember the game of chase and be chased that we played? Will he remember the train set and stuffed animals and tool sets at Ikea? Will he remember the hugs and the high fives? Will he remember sharing his fork and garlic bread with me? Will he remember the elevator and escalator rides? Will he remember rearranging Ikea displays and pouring water into mugs (and then attempting to drink from those filthy things) or pretending that he was drinking tea from empty cups?

Every time that I see him, and it is a rare occasion, he is far more advanced than I would ever expect. Communicating with him is more difficult because I am not accustomed to his language. What was once signs and pointing and squeals and grunts has become a combination of signs, pointing, and his version of words (abu=water). Easily understandable if I were to spend more time with him, but puzzling for me and frustrating for him as we now stand.

It didn't have to be this way.

Wednesday

2009-03-04T21:23:00.002-05:00

Saturday

2009-02-28T12:11:00.003-05:00

I've been laid up the past week and a half with a miserable case of the flu. Having to work through it has no doubt prolonged the illness, but work must be done and dayquil, tylenol sinus, and mucinex have been my close friends. It's hard to concentrate and focus the mind while ill and hopped up on over the counter medicine, so what should have taken a few hours took all day, and what would have been challenging was difficult.

Nevertheless, I have persevered, and sit here typing with bright green mucous dripping from my sinuses and salty brown galas lodging in and hacking up through my chest. I woke up from a restless night of hacking coughs to a headache made more intense by the sun. The sick irony of that...the blessed sun that feels so good on my face and warms my room and always brings a smile to my face but when I open my eyes a pain shoots through them into the back of my skull.

Wah, waaaah, right? I haven't caught a cold like this in a long time. I figure I just gotta let the cold run it's course like always. How many times have I waited in a DR's office miserable as a cat in the rain, to be told to get fluids, rest, and take some tylenol? I recognize the symptoms even though it's been awhile since I've had it, but people start talking about walking pnumonia, meningitis, and mutating influenza and strep throat with a fuckin lung infection and the whole fuckin world is diseased and I could die at any moment.

Although I am usually immune to that kind of paranoia it gets to me every now and then...I start to think about Niki and how happy his mother would be as she told him, "Your father died of meningitis."

But I digress. It get's me to wondering about this new age of information that we live in where everybody knows about that one girl who went to the school nurse with a fever, got sent home, and three hours later was dead from meningitis that was improperly diagnosed as the cold. The story gets told and retold and spreads and soon we're all quivering in fear about a rare case, with lottery like chances. But i guess that's why motherfuckers buy lotto tickets. Meningitis anyone?

Quick, sensationalized, regurgitated information that is rebroadcast 24/7 with new diseases and dangers updated hourly! Your kids are going to get sick and die and so are you! Take this, do this, don't do this, don't take that! You are sick and need prescription medication and psychological evaluation! Your life is in danger every single second if you don't act now and buy this product you will condemn your life and your children's lives to misery and contempt and a host of behavioral problems because they are sick and need protecting and you aren't projecting your fears onto them you just love your kids! Did I mention more prescriptions and psycological damage?

Nobody looking at the underlying messages or truths.

Wednesday

2009-02-18T13:26:00.002-05:00

I have a lot of fun memories of growing up in Pico Rivera, California. Every now and then flashes of childhood come into my head. The neighborhood and the food that I ate there, the avocados that fell from neighbors trees, skateboarding on the sidewalk, learning to ride my bike, flipping over rocks to look for rollypolly bugs and toads, the bus stop that I walked to and from to get to school and the kid who was an incredible artist and decorated his peechee portfolios.

One memory that always comes to mind, and brings good feelings, involves watermelon and the birds that lived in our neighborhood. Across the street and behind the neighbors homes there was an open field (which I believe train tracks ran through) with some high tension electrical towers. Up in those towers some birds of prey roosted and would hunt the pidgeons and sparrows that lived in the trees. Sitting on my porch, I had a great view of the hunters and the hunted, and I sat there eating my watermelon watching this life and death struggle.

Carpe Dizzle!

Saturday

2009-02-14T22:50:00.002-05:00

Today is a memorable Valentines Day. Not because I am single, not because I am with someone and not because of something super fun and interesting or ultra miserable and sad.

Today is special because of what I am not doing this holiday: working in the service industry.

This day last year I was serving food and drink to couples out for a night of goofiness and romance in a hoity restaurant where the chef required everyone to learn every menu item and ingredient and prep and cooking process and blah blah blah...this year I am at home, freshly showered with a full belly and silence.

Life is good.

Thursday

2009-02-13T00:37:00.002-05:00

Tuesday

2009-02-10T19:43:00.002-05:00

This is cool.

Fly Swat Game

Monday

2009-02-02T17:04:00.003-05:00

Sometime ago, I'm guessing around the 2004 United States Presidential election, I started to lose all interest in the workings of the world, this country, and any kind of social activism. I stopped recycling, I stopped reading political columns and watching or listening to political programming, stopped caring about baby seals, global warming (I'm still not convinced), stopped investigating social issues, and so on. I became the moo-ing along American, unknowing and uncaring, and unhappily living my life in my crappy job. But hey, at least I was in college right?

Over the past 2 months my head has cleared a bit, and I have begun to examine this downward slide that I noticed but didn't really care about. At some point I had given up on my ideals and resigned myself to the idea that those who are in power will remain in power and things will continue on as they did and best I got mine and fuck the world. There wasn't anything worth arguing about anymore, nothing really worth fighting for because in the end those who have the deeper pockets win.

So now I'm recycling again, I'm listening to right wing radio to better gauge my enemies, I'm researching my history and culture, I am not so much concerned about global warming as I am about the pollution that is spewed in the air and the politically connected companies that are allowed to spew, I want somebody to do something about that big ass continent of garbage floating in the pacific ocean that some say is the size of the continental United States, and although far from gay I support the rights of gay people to join in matrimony.

Fact: there are financial benefits to marriage.

Plain and simple, fuck all the holy this and before god and all the bullshit, marriage is not a christian/religious institution. It is a secular one with government and corporate defined benefits, and to say that one group can benefit from marriage while another can't is discrimination. Plain, and simple.

So, in a showing of support for gay marriage and a shot of defiance to those who would discriminate (specifically Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church), I participated in Dan Savage's, Savage Love poll. I quote from the website for the Seattle Newspaper, The Stranger.

"As with the new definition of santorum crafted by Savage Love readers ("the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes a byproduct of anal sex"), the new definition of "saddlebacking" has to be some act that (1) needs a name but doesn't already have one (we can't just rename "reverse cowgirl," people) and (2) is naughty enough to discomfort, say, a Reverend Warren, but something that actual people might actually do because that's the only way the actual word will actually get used.

(1) "Logically, if 'barebacking' means having butt sex with no condom, then 'saddlebacking' should mean having butt sex with a condom."

(2) "Saddleback (verb): to submit someone to any kind of humiliating, unreciprocal sex act, either literally or metaphorically, consented to by passive partner due to submissive/masochistic tendencies, desire for approval, or other darker motive. E.g., 'I don't know why Obama is letting Rick Warren saddleback him into presiding over his inauguration.'"

(3) "The saddleback position involves placing your lubed dick between the butt cheeks of your partner. This position can be performed on your sides or on top of a facedown partner (maybe with a pillow under his or her hips). My favorite way of finishing up the saddlebacking is to lift up and come on my wife's sweaty back. The saddleback is a nice compromise position when your partner won't allow anal entry."

(4) "To saddleback is to rail against gay sex in public while secretly indulging in the same in private. Ted Haggard? Total saddlebacker. Larry Craig? Saddlebacker. Rick Warren? Probably a saddlebacker."

(5) "'Saddlebacking' should be the term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities. 'After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she's saving herself for marriage.' Please, please adopt this definition!"

(6) "Saddleback (verb): to ejaculate on the back of a partner at the culmination of doggy-style anal sex."

(7) "Before being invited to give the invocation, Mr. Warren was most noted for his book The Purpose Driven Life. Therefore, 'to saddleback' is to fuck with a purpose, i.e., to procreate. A heterosexual couple asked if they're trying to have children could reply, 'No, we're not ready for kids yet, but we'll probably start saddlebacking next year."

I chuckled while sending in my vote. And today I read (the paper came out last Wednesday) that the votes have been tabulated and the results are in. Drum roll....

Saddlebacking defined

Sunday

2009-02-01T18:01:00.003-05:00

Although there are some gems, I find tv and most of the programming on it to be a terrible waste of time. I will admit to some 'guilty pleasure' tv watching. With my exgirlfriend in the lead, I somehow became interested in the results of the 'I Love NY' series (a sure sign that our relationship was doomed). I enjoyed 'Kitchen Nightmares' and whatever the name of the chef show/competition that obnoxious chef guy is the host of. I could relate to those in the 'industry' and was always interested in the recipes and cooking tips I got from obnoxio, plus it was nice to see the passion that these people put into their work, no matter how misguided they were. 'NY' was a sad thing, a homeless retarded midget that stayed drunk and fucked over every person who ever befriended her all the while pretending to be a movie star. I should have left her a long time ago.

But I digress.

So I'm watching this show called 'Top Chef' and it's the usual team competition and since I'm a habitual channel surfer I don't fully know what's going on but surmise that the challenge is to take part of the carcass of a baby lamb and do something with it that will impress the judges, outshine the other team, and keep you from having to pack your knives and exit stage loser.

What catches my attention and gives me pause are the words of one judge, whom I'll paraphrase, "I know people who raise lamb and know all the care and love that goes into bringing that lamb to the table, and your treatment has been a terrible diservice to this lamb." This lamb was essentially tortured and imprisoned (depending on who you speak to or how it was raised) for the entirety of it's short life so that it could be butchered and plated and spat out and thrown away.

I wonder if aliens domesticated humans and bred them for food, would they eat little muscular preteens pumped up from steroids because it was virgin meat?

"wrk kii bok bok!! "

This sounds familiar, and I'm thinking about Thoreau again.

I'm going to go and appreciate a dairy cow and the farmer that milked her and thank that cow for the suffering that she has endured and known her whole life to that I can have a cold sweet treat. I will savor every spoonful.

thursday

2009-01-29T21:26:00.002-05:00

Shaking off the rust.

Wednesday

2009-01-28T23:31:00.001-05:00

Snow at the beach. Almost as good as snow in the city.

Saturday

2009-01-24T10:57:00.004-05:00

The things one learns when reading horoscopes.

From Free Will Astrology, by Rob Brezsney:

"If you use a cell phone, you have in your possession a metal called coltan, a component that's essential to the phone's function. Most of the world's coltan comes from the Congo, and is mined by Rwandans who survived their country's genocide in the 1990s. They often work for militias that sell coltan illegally to finance their military operations. It so happens that the land where this metal lies is also the home of the Mountain gorilla, an endangered species that is being decimated as the miners and militias kill them for food and savage their habitat. Keep this in mind the next time you call a friend."

From Wikipedia:

"Coltan is the colloquial African name for [[columbite]]-[[tantalite]], a metallic ore from which are extracted the elements niobium and tantalum.

Tantalum from coltan is used in consumer electronics products such as cell phones, DVD players, and computers. Export of coltan from the eastern Democratic Republic of the Congo to European and American markets has been cited by experts^[2] as helping to finance the present-day conflict in the Congo, with one aid agency asserting that “much of the finance sustaining the civil wars in Africa, especially in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, is directly connected to Coltan profits” ^[3]."

Most likely the computer that I write this on, the cell phone that I call my family with, and the DVD player and TV that we all watched 'Blood Diamond' on, all contained tantalum extracted from coltan mined from the DRC via slave labor. More of us use consumer electronics than purchase diamonds, more of us consume chocolate, or shop at Walmart. Blood diamonds? What about "Blood Video Game Console" and "Blood Chocolate" or "Blood T-shirt?" For the socially conscious working class person, this can be a disheartening fact. We all in some way support or help to propagate the exploitation and deaths of poor, working, or enslaved people.

Do we stop buying cell phones, TV's, Playstations, digital cameras and laptops? Do we buy the car without the antilock brakes and airbag? Fuck the hearing aid and pacemaker? Do we buy only 'Made in the USA' at 3 times the cost? Does a guy have to pull a Thoreau?

And what about the apple that I bought last week that rotted in my refrigerator and became compost? Somewhere somebody being paid pennies a day for their work carried a basket up a ladder barefoot and picked that apple. Buy local only?

As a people, are we able to stand and with our buying power make changes to the socio-economic cluster-fuck of the world? Would we be willing to trade in our cell phones and go back to land lines for the people of the DNC? Are we willing to give up chocolate? It's easy to not buy diamonds, hell, it makes a perfect reason for not paying through your dick for a little rock to show some love. But question a man for owning a cell phone or a PSP? Or even harsher yet, a hearing aid.

More from Rob Brezsney:

"While you're at it, Scorpio, use Google and your imagination to meditate on the origins of all the important resources in your life. It's prime time to know more about their origins. You will benefit from getting familiar with the roots of whatever gives you power."

The furniture in my home, the electronics that I use, the food that I eat, the car that I drive. All in some way brought to me on the backs of poor, enslaved, or dead people. Do I stop using these things in the hope that I will in some way impact the way in which these items are brought to me? Can I live without these things?

In the end, we must all take responsibility for the choices that we make and our awareness of all things in the world, and do best for the world and our communities by doing what is best for ourselves and in the meanwhile infringe on others as little as possible. That's a Thoreau, isn't it?

I will apply what I took from his book, "Walden." To make everything count and to use things in a meaningful way. Make sure that the lives of those that slaved are not in vain, that they worked and died so that I can create or do something meaningful. To know where these, and all things come from and to appreciate the opportunities that I have been born into.

Carpe Dizzle.

Tuesday

2009-01-20T22:52:00.002-05:00

Somewhere in California a grape vine was cultivated. When the vine was old enough it produced grapes, that were ripened and then dried into raisins. One of my favorite things in the world to eat: dried fruit. Sometimes it's okay with sugar or salt added, but mostly I like it with just sunshining goodness.

I was shoveling 20 raisins into my mouth at a time when this realization and appreciation hit me. Right now I'm eating them one at a time. They're gritty, with a nice mush factor in the center. Sweet. Very sweet.

I appreciate the raisins, and the people who raised them, and the brilliant person who decided to dry fruit one day.

Carpe Dizzle.

Monday

2009-01-19T10:32:00.002-05:00

Snow in the city. Baltimore never looks better.

Niki has beat the pneumonia, and from the way he ran around and got into things yesterday, you'd never know that he was ever sick. I have a whole new appreciation for Ikea, bland cookie cutter furniture and mass produced chopped up art, but with a kids section that is well thought out and on point. The stuffed animals there are devoid of the beeping, flashing electronics that for some reason litter modern stuffed animals, and the rest of the toys are simple, safe, and without a set purpose so that he can make up a use for them on his own.

Niki has mastered the art of the screwdriver, drinking from glasses, and using utensils to eat with (although I think that he quickly gets bored with using them). He has a preference for kitchen utensils and ceramic ware, climbing on bland furniture, and redesigning displays.

He is truly badass. Not like prison, but like leader of the free world.

Tomorrow the United States of America will officially have its 1st minority President.

Carpe Dizzle!

Wednesday

2009-01-07T18:21:00.002-05:00

The worry that I felt when I learned that my son had come down with pneumonia is difficult to explain. Like a big plate of helplessness with a 22 oz draft of despair.

He'll pull through, I know it. I have no doubt. But it's still there, the concern and worry. And it probably will still be there until I can see him and hear him laugh.

He's such a cool, adventurous, and as his Obachan says, 'smiley' kid.

Today I received a judgement from the courts granting overnight visits on alternating Saturday/Sunday's. We meet up halfway for custody exchange at Longwood Gardens in PA. Whether or not they obey the order is unknown. They have ignored 2 other orders, why not get the hat trick?

I want to be friendly with them but it's hard for a thousand reasons. Some day we'll get it all out in the open, but in the meantime I'm missing time with my son.

Well, the new year starts with a lot less baggage, let's see what we can get started.

Carpe Dizzle.

wednesday

2008-12-31T20:13:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year!

Saturday

2008-12-13T20:02:00.002-05:00

Not eating meat has been easier than I thought it would. The call for a steak or burger comes on occasion, but it's nothing compared to the call of nature. There are plenty of alternatives nowadays, Burger King even has a veggie whopper. Not a terrible thing to eat, as far as flavor goes I've had worse 'healthy food.'

The hardest thing about not eating meat is being prepared for mealtimes. What to do on the road? It's hard to find something to eat in a pinch. Burger King isn't much of an alternative, and fried fish sandwiches, from a health standpoint don't make much sense. The local Wawa sells hummus and salads but they're waaaaay overpriced, and the salads are miserably assembled and boring. For the amount of hummus you get for 5 bucks you can make about 3 times as much yourself. For salads I prefer mustard greens, spinach, or kale with cabbage, onions, and cilantro. Throw in some broccoli, beets, or pine nuts and you got a motherfuckin salad! The lesson here: healthy eating takes planning.

The fast food convenience instant gratification culture that we have grown up with has lagged behind when it comes to healthy food. But even the healthy side of this is unappealing and can be taxing to the wallet. A digression, I find it funny that a pound of ground beef will cost me 8 dollars, and a pound of portobello mushrooms costs 13. In a time of financial crisis, I can feed myself from the McDonald's dollar menu all day long for 6, maybe 7 dollars.

The point?

Home prep and cook, pack a box, and enjoy the fruits of your own labor.

Carpe Dizzle!

monday

2008-12-01T22:20:00.002-05:00

Nearly a month since my last posting?

What's been going on? Cold weather, low funds, pseudo vegetarianism, drawing, arguing, learning, compromising...

Tonight as I was driving down to Delaware, the crescent moon shone very, very brightly. To the north of me, dark clouds hung low. To the southwest a stroke of orange touched the sky. And below the moon and to the right were what I thought were two airplanes approaching Dover airport. It's always so nice to be out of the city and driving through the countryside. The light pollution is nonexistent and the sky at night is almost fake in appearance, a sad sign that I have been living in the city too long. It wasn't until I had arrived at my destination that I was informed that what I thought were two airplanes were actually Saturn and Venus, and that we wouldn't get a glimpse of them in this configuration again until 2054. I went back outside, stared into the sky, and counted myself among the lucky few.

My favorite hummus recipe: sun dried tomato hummus. It's ridiculously simple to make, just make hummus as usual and add a heaping of sun dried tomatoes. I've found that the kind that are soaked in olive oil (and more expensive) don't have as nice a flavor and require more tomatoes. I also add a dash of what we in Hawaii call 'rooster sauce.' I don't recall the real name at the moment but it's some kind of garlic chili sauce, is my favorite, and has a rooster on the front of the bottle.

I decided that I would try to come to some kind of compromise with my son's mother. The custody case is going on way longer than it should, the lies are getting more and more ridiculous (on their end), and after 17 months I have only seen my son twice, for a total of less than four hours. Ultimately all I want is to see my son, and for my son to know me, and the rest of his family. And all of the nonsense I am going through right now has not gotten me any more time with my son. I want to be reasonable, and ask that they do the same. But reasonable is a relative term, and so I continue to bend over backwards.

I made a proposal to the other side through my attorney, who presented it to their attorney and the Judge during a teleconference. My proposal would ease me into my son's life, introducing me to him over the course of two months, before beginning overnight stays. I would meet up with them every Sunday in PA for a month, and then they would meet up with me every Sunday in Baltimore for a month. Then we do one overnight every weekend for another month, and then begin the standard two weekends a month, alternating holidays, etc.

The Judge was down, and the attorney for the DeVilla's said that he would inform them of my proposal. The Judge was supposed to issue an order, but we never got any word and I assumed that I would hear nothing from the DeVilla's. So you can imagine my surprise when I received a call from 'son's momma' inviting me up to PA to hang out at America's 1st zoo; the Philadelphia Zoo. A strategic move on their part, for sure, but I jumped at the chance. Remember, this is about my son.

When I arrived he was in a play area indoors where little kids can hang out and run around giant sculptures of caterpillars, bugs, and dinosaurs. As I walked over to him he stopped, instantly recognizing me. I waved and he smiled and when I said hi to him he pointed up to the ceiling and let me know that there were lights up there. We had a good time at the reptile exhibit, he dug the snakes and turtles, and when he saw a snake/eel-like amphibian he said 'mum-mum.' Which I was told meant 'food.' Haha, a true Japanese boy for sure.

I have a habit of dragging my feet when I walk and when I wear my work boots, and I was that day, my feet make a dragging, scuffing and clomping sound (I've been told I walk with a limp, perhaps from a hip/groin injury or maybe just a part of my 'cool walk'). As we walked through the zoo, my son started to stomp his feet as he walked, looking at me, and looking at my feet. It took me a second to figure out, but he was trying to imitate the sound that my boots were making with his own boots. Too cute!

Carpe Dizzle!

Friday

2008-11-07T20:37:00.004-05:00

Some of my favorite shows as a child were Kikaida, Battle Fever, and Ultraman. I loved the martial arts action, the motorcycles, robots, and most importantly: the monsters. They were the coolest mashup of robot, animal, and human. I would draw my own and then wreak havoc on my army men. Or I would get my brother and sister to join in, we would draw the monsters that we were going to be, or I would draw them, and we would play for hours.

I just saw the Japanese SciFi film, "Zebraman." I've been wary of Japanese SciFi since Guyver, and some other forgot name movies that were so terrible in every way that a movie can be terrible. How can one of the most technologically advanced cultures produce such low budget, low tech science fiction? And what is it with the incredible leaps of intuition and talking badguys who spill their plans to everyone just so that they can be thwarted?

Anyhow, I decided to give "Zebraman" a try, and I have to admit that while the low tech wonky story elements were still there, the movie was entertaining and I'm glad I chose to watch it. Zebraman was nice and cheesy looking, and the monsters were just as bad. I laughed throughout.

Oh yeah, and I am no longer eating any red meat, chicken, or pork.

Carpe Dizzle!

thursday

2008-11-06T16:29:00.002-05:00

Niki Koyo Unsui

When I first began the fight to see my son, before I had known his birth date, sex, or location, I filed the appropriate paperwork in Monmouth County, NJ. This is where the ex was living at the time we dated. The variation in family law between states is incredible. In New Jersey, resources were available to me at no charge, attorney and paralegal services were available through state sponsored agencies, and a custody case could easily be filed and pursued pro se. But I digress.

I didn't know the location of my child and ex. She refused to keep in contact with me, and she made clear her desire to be free of "harassment." Still, the paperwork needed to be filed, and I made contacts in NJ. At the advise of a lawyer, I was told to file the paperwork and in the area where it asks for the name of the child in question, I should put in the name that I chose to give my child.

Cool! I had already been researching names. I knew that I wanted an earthy, spiritual name that reflected the ethnicity and culture that my child descends from. I also wanted something unique (but not strange) and artsy that went well with our last name. I also kept in mind that my child may follow in my footsteps and be an artist, and perhaps a graffiti artist. And so I thought it would be clever and cool if the acronym of his initials would also spell out his name in some way.

The hardest part of picking a name is choosing between all the names you like. At one point my baby was going to have 10 names. I finally whittled it all down to these:

Niki. Arabic, Greek, Slavic, and most importantly, Japanese. In Japanese it means 2 trees, in Greek and Slavic it means victory to the people, and in Arabic it's meaning is unconquerable.

Koyo. Japanese, and has different meanings depending on how it is written. The version I chose means "leaves changing in the fall."

Unsui. The name is Chinese in origin, and translates to cloud/water. It is the name that is given to fledgling Zen monks, and is representative of the virtues of Zen Buddhism. Clouds move freely, without form or obstacles. Water is powerful but has a yielding quality. A perfect addition to the middle name.

The name on his birth certificate says something different, and I'm not going to put up a fuss to have it changed (other than his last name). But this is how I have known him, and this is what his Japanese family will know him by.

Sunday

2008-11-02T22:40:00.002-05:00

On Friday I was to have my first overnight visit with my son. Over 2 years of court proceedings and assorted bits of nonsense all coming to fruition. Or so I thought.

Rather than go through the process of writing it all down again, I'll post and excerpt from the letter I wrote to the Judge presiding over my case:

"I am writing you on behalf of my son and my family.

As you can imagine, I was overjoyed to get my first weekend visit with my son. While I wasn’t too happy with having to stay in the Philadelphia area (no offense, but I am a man of limited means and feel that a hotel bill is a wasted expenditure) I was grateful for the opportunity to spend time with my son and was working hard to assure that he would be comfortable and that we would have the best time possible.

As per your Interim Temporary Order, dated October 22, 2008, I attempted to make arrangements with the DeVilla's, for weekend visits with my son. I left messages on October 24^th and 25^th informing them that I was calling to make arrangements. On October 25^th I received a phone call from Brian DeVilla.

I asked Mr. DeVilla if I could bring Gabriel back to Baltimore where I would be most comfortable, and in effect so would he. I own my own home where he would have his own room, a fully functioning kitchen, a backyard that he can play in, a YMCA right around the corner, a playground for toddlers 5 minutes drive from me, and a whole bunch of people who can’t wait to meet him. And, as previously mentioned, I am a man of little means who has recently been laid off and currently looking for work.

The DeVilla’s wanted me to visit with my son during the day at their home and leave at night, allowing them to put him to bed, and to ultimately make the decision as to when overnight visits would be allowed. I denied their request because I am not comfortable being in their home, would not feel like I was getting any quality time with the two of them present, and didn’t want for them to be able to control when I get to see my son (I got the impression that the answer would be never).

Since we were unable to come to an agreement we deferred to the court order. I would reserve a hotel room and stay in the Philadelphia area with my son and we would meet at the court ordered times. All we needed to do was set a meeting location, which Brian assured me we would do after he spoke with Robin.

I bought books, building blocks, and balloons (on our first visit at the church he couldn’t get enough of some balloons that were there, kicking and throwing them into the air and laughing). I researched healthy, toddler friendly recipes (www.weelicious.com) that would be ready for him with nothing more than heating required (most hotels don’t have kitchens for preparing food, unless one has the money to reserve a suite). I looked into parks and playgrounds where we could spend our time together (the Smith Memorial Playgrounds has both indoor and outdoor play areas). I constantly conferred with my Mother and Sister (Mother of 3) about ideas on how to make my son most comfortable, how to deal with any illness that may occur, restless nights, toilet training, food and snack ideas, and things to do. I have also researched parenting techniques and toddler safety, having read Your Baby’s First Year, Baby Signs, and, What to Expect, The Toddler Years, in addition to The Expectant Father and What to Expect When You’re Expecting.

I prepared hummus, spinach gnocchi, falafel, sweet potato pancakes, spinach quiche and chicken quesadillas. I purchased organic grapes, raisins, apples, and dried dates. I packed whole-wheat goldfish crackers, whole grain pita bread, whole grain organic fig newtons, organic yogurt, and unsweetened applesauce. My son was going to eat better than I do.

As you now know, the DeVilla’s made no effort to contact me after our initial conversation on the 25^thand refused to meet with me on Friday, October 31^st. It is my understanding that the reason behind their refusal to comply with the court order was because I was refusing to disclose the location of the hotel that we would be staying in.

At no time during our conversation on the 25^th did I tell them that I would withhold our location from them. In fact, I told them that I would let them know as soon as I found out.

At the time of our conversation on the 25^th I didn’t have a hotel reservation, still hoping that they would allow me to bring my son back to Baltimore with me. My Sister reserved the hotel room for me at the Airport Marriott on October 27th.

Had the DeVilla’s returned my calls or called me as promised, they would have learned where I was to be staying. My idea was to have them meet me at the hotel on Friday, which would save me 40 minutes of driving time round-trip, and then meet at the Greater Plymouth Community Center on Sunday."

I'm still pretty pissed about it all, but not so much as I was that night. I needed to clear my head, and Baltimore hasn't been much of a headclearer, so I went to visit Dan, Vera, and their daughter Cali.

I really needed some 'daddy' time I guess, because Cali captivated me. She's 3 months younger than my son, just starting to get some teeth, just starting to walk, and is a chatty, happy young lady. She was already asleep by the time I arrived in Delaware from Philadelphia, so Dan, Vera, and I played scrabble and tried not to speak too poorly of my son's momma.

I woke up to Cali calling out in the morning and waited a bit to see if Dan or Vera would get up to get her out of bed. I have to admit to not waiting too long, I really wanted to go get her myself. When I went into her room she immediately stopped crying, and looked up and gave me the "who the hell are you?" look. It's probably been a month since she's seen me last, and at the time I didn't spend much time with her since I was down there working.

I said hi, and went to the edge of her crib. She stared, and I asked her how she was doing. More staring from her. I asked her if she wanted to come out, and she crawled to the edge of the crib and raised her arms.

Carpe Dizzle!

thursday

2008-10-30T19:20:00.004-04:00

Sono (seated) and Setsuji Hayakawa with Grace.

I'm sitting here calling myself all kinds of asshole, selfish, and douchebag. I have been so caught up with the every day nonsense of this thing I call a life (I'm in the market for a new one btw) that it just now hit me that my son will never meet his Greatgrandmother.

For the past few years my Grandmother's condition has been declining. She continued to live in her house with my father after the passing of my Grandfather and the onset of Parkinson's. She was as independent and bullheaded as ever, insisting on living her life that way that she always had (who wouldn't?) and suffered some pretty bad falls and a broken wrist. I went back home for my sister Sara's wedding in 2004 (or was it 2005, or 2003? Sorry Sara.) and she was Grandma all the way through.

"Be careful out there on the mainland, you know they don't like Japanese."

"Well Grandma, I know quite a few girls that really like Japanese."

But she got worse and eventually it was beyond my Dad's ability to provide her with the care she needed and she was moved to a nursing home.

When I went back home in February 2007 she was alert and capable of communicating by gesturing and writing. She fed herself for the most part, and would respond with smiles and frowns. Her body was failing her and she was confined to a wheelchair, but her mind was still sharp. In true Grandma Ichikawa fashion, after hearing our plans for the beach that day she wrote me a note (that I still have somewhere) that says "watch out for portugese man o war." She looked the same for the most part, minus a few pounds.

When I was back home earlier this year her condition had worsened, and it was excruciating to see her like that. The proud woman who always had something to say while shuffled from one corner of the house to the other side of the island, was speechless and immobile. She could see the distress in my face and she comforted me with an arm over my shoulder as i cried in her lap. The mind was there, the body was not. On my last day home we said our goodbyes. I massaged her feet, told her how I was doing and what I had planned, told her about her grandson and I cried again and told her how much I loved her. She finally looked me in the eye, and made a waving motion with her hand, "go." I left knowing that it would be the last time we saw each other but I also made it a point to make sure that I would see her again.

Earlier this week I received an email from my Mom.

"just wanted to share that when kev, michelle, and i visited grandma last week, i had two photos. one of you carrying niki and one of niki up close. grandma barely had her eyes open, but when i said, "mom, this is kurt's son, niki and here's kurt carrying niki"...she started to open her eyes a little bit more. i could see that she was trying to focus on the photos. i slowly moved the photos and her eyes followed so i knew her mind was grasping what she could see. we were all happy that she responded. "

They never met, but she at least saw him before she left us.

wednesday

2008-10-30T00:23:00.003-04:00

From l to r: Glenn (Dad), Grace (Grandma), Francis (Grandpa), Keith, and Rachel.

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. My Grandmothers service is this weekend. This weekend I get my first weekend visit with my son.

It's been a very long 2 years of fighting and my perseverance has paid off for the time being. It's a temporary court order so things may change, but for now I am excited and looking forward to a weekend of high adventure with my son.

The court order restricts me to the Philadelphia area and so we will be staying at a hotel. It's a real bummer because I have a house with a backyard and kitchen, a room for my son, a YMCA right around the corner, a kid's park 5 minutes drive from here, and all my Baltimore people in every direction who can't wait to meet him. But it's far from taken the wind out of my sails. Just forcing me to turn the sail a little bit.

No kitchen? Well then, I'll be bringing our food up with me. I'll bring the staples: apples, raisins, bananas, yogurt, goldfish crackers, and string cheese. But I also have a whole menu planned out: red pepper and sundried tomato hummus, jambalaya, homemade chicken noodle soup, spinach quiche and gnocchi, sweet potato pancakes, and falafel. He's bound to like at least one of those, right?

I've also found a big park with an indoor and outdoor playground not far from the hotel. It looks like a wonderland for kids. My best buddy Dan will be meeting us up there on Saturday with his daughter Cali, who is 2 months younger than Niki and this will be the perfect place for them to get to know each other, or just wander off the way kids do and explore. Oh yeah, and the hotel also has an indoor swimming pool!

Carpe Dizzle!

sunday

2008-10-19T01:17:00.006-04:00

early saturday morning my grandmother, Grace Umeko (Hayakawa) Ichikawa, passed away after a long fight with parkinsons disease.

"make sure you pull the plug, my girlfriends house burned down, you know."

when i think of my grandmother, this is the first thing that pops into my head. always mistrustful of electronics and electricity, it was her firm belief that if a plug was left in the outlet overnight a fire would most surely start and burn the whole house down. light bulbs, tv, and some appliances were ok to be left plugged in. microwaves, radios, and vcr's were not. i think every friend of hers had a house that burned down at one time because some form of electrical device was left plugged in.

my grandmother was a constant worrier. since becoming a father, i can better relate to what she was going through at the time. when i think about some of the things i used to do as a kid and think about my son doing those same things i get nauseated and i feel like never letting him leave the house. but i digress.

she worried because she loved. and she loved so much that i never doubted her. i have no doubt that to her last day if someone were to threaten the life of a family member her instinct would be to grab the nearest weapon like object and fight.

my grandmother was one of those special grandmothers that couldn't cook very well. everything was edible, you would never get sick from her food, and you would certainly have some food in your stomach and a whole lot of it, but some of her concoctions...actually, there were alot of things that she did real well. she made some excellent nishime and took the time to wrap pieces of chicken in seaweed to add to soup. she made a killer baked spaghetti and macaroni salad. the latter i used to dip into my saimin broth and eat. mmmmmm.

i remember the pancakes that she used to make...oh, god...the horror of these things. they were 9 inches in diameter and about a half inch thick, each weighing about 8 oz. add syrup and they got to be about 11 oz. you had to put that much syrup on them, they were that dense. it wasn't the taste of them because the pancakes came from a powder, bisquick i think, it was the texture and density of them that were scary.

being genetically predisposed to being short meant nothing to my grandmother, who assured me that if i would just eat more i would be taller. so she would pile these pancakes onto my plate and i would eat about a quarter of them. which equals to about one whole pancake, and then just feel sick. i dreaded the pancakes. i dreaded most of her cooking and the strange things she used to swear by, like ovaltine.

i never got used to ovaltine, i never liked joop (not sure if i spelled that right but that's how you pronounce it and if you know what it is then you know what an awful mess it is). my grandmother cooked for health not for enjoyment, so we were healthy when we ate her food, we just weren't very happy about it.

but we were happy to see her and be around her. she had a young heart and was an amazing painter. she lived a good, hard life and was a warrior every day. she had a sweet voice and put a touch to 'you are my sunshine' that i will always remember and can hear as i think about it. i loved to listen to her stories of growing up in japan and hawaii. the snakes and lizards that used to fall from the ceiling onto her at night. i loved to hear the stories of the young women she adopted and mentored throughout her life. she had high ideals and strict rules to living. my grandmother is a great woman.

i miss her.

wednesday part 2

2008-10-08T21:47:00.000-04:00

i've been spending so much time in the digital world lately and wanted to really stretch the mental and physical muscles again. the first in a series of paintings featuring the sexy models of Murry's Foods.

carpe dizzle!

wednesday

2008-10-08T21:35:00.000-04:00

as i expected, the drug exam came back negative. next comes the conference call and then i guess its another conference with the lawyers and judge. twiddle twiddle.

something that i haven't done in a long time; digital painting. i've been futting around with ideas for business cards and this was one that represented the spirit of my art well. the cat on the shoulder is Kami, one of the most laid back coolest cats i've ever known. tragically killed by a car early this year. the character is a Momotaro type adventurer from a comic that i've had running around in my head.

took me waaaaay longer than it should have, the rust was caked on.

tuesday

2008-10-07T10:17:00.001-04:00

on previous pieces i had been focusing on the spirit behind the phrase, the inner journey that we all should be, or are undertaking, and the social shifts that are taking place in this country and hopefully the world. with this piece my focus was the action behind the phrase. to do something meaningful, to do something positive, to gather that inner strength and make something happen.

this reminds me of one of my favorite lyrics by the group BLACKALICOUS:

"you've got to motivate, elevate, concentrate
get your focus straight
and orchestrate fate"

the idea came to me while watching the beijing olympics this past summer. a short news article played on the olympic games of 1968 in mexico city. tommie smith and john carlos, two olympic track athletes from the united states, who during the medal ceremony took off their shoes and raised gloved fists into the air to represent the pride, poverty, struggle and racial persecution of black americans.

the fist has been a symbol of uprising and strength since who knows when. it has also been used to represent hope, progress, and change. i chose to use this image because it instantly speaks to people of all backgrounds. the challenge here would be to take this cliche and reinvent it.

this piece was taken to this stage a while back. i had put it aside for what i thought would be a few seconds to focus on other things. i liked where it had gone but felt that it still wasn't finished.

i messed around with the dove tattoo, drew different doves, filled in different sections of the dove, changed the style of the clouds, re-did the olive leaves...looking at it now, i realize that the biggest problem that i had with it was that the tattoo looks pasted on and remains a separate entity from the arm.

back to the sketchbook.

carpe dizzle!

Monday

2008-09-29T14:01:00.000-04:00

Carpe Dizzle Store, click this to order

like things needed to be more frustrating. you would think that when a court/judge orders a drug testing that they would a) know where to send you and b) know what kind of paperwork you needed to get that drug test done.

i think i've found a site here in baltimore that will do the hair collection, but i need to wait until they get the testing kit in. sigh.

and now a shameless plug:

the limited edition, barak obama carpe dizzle t shirt is now available for order. commemorate this momentous election and express your support for progress, growth, and change.

Carpe Dizzle Store, click this to order

Sunday

2008-09-28T19:41:00.001-04:00

despite my best efforts to update this blog on a regular basis i find myself overwhelmed with the rigors of everyday life. challenges have been dropping on me with the heaviness of an anvil on jerry, and i scramble delicately to keep things together. i worry. but i plan, do, and wait. worry, plan, do, and wait.

on the flip side, the visit with my son on saturday, sept 20, went unbelievably well. when i walked into the room his back was turned to me, and he was picking at some woodblock puzzle pieces. i instantly started to sweat and my knees were shaking. he moved so quickly, walking from one table of toys to the next, ignoring the world. i knelt down, scared that he wouldn't care about me, and said hi. he looked at me quizzically, and his mother introduced us.

he is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. his hair is long and fine like his aunties. he walks like his grandmother, bowlegged and quick. his eyes and nose are the same as mine, his fingers are so delicate and strong, and his skin in a light brown. i want to pick him up and squeeze him and put my forehead against his. i feel like crying. all resentment that i may have had against his mother falls away dead.

gabriel is a happy, active, healthy, smiling, curious, brave, and friendly little boy with a mouth full of teeth and a vocabulary enhanced by sign language. he was kind enough to teach me a bit, and let me play 'kick and hit the balloons' with him. i still haven't picked him up at this point, but when he walks to me and puts his hand on my arm, i lift him up and hold him to me. this is the most real experience of my life.

there is nothing better than pulling toys out of the boxes, shelves and nooks that they're in/on and throwing them on the floor, so i follow him around, picking things up and talking to him as i put them away. "here's a lady, a dog, and an elephant" he walks away and grabs more stuff. he pulls a plastic tub out of a sink and throws it on the floor so i put him in it and push him around on the floor, making car noises the whole time. he signs for "more" as he says the word, he has the sweetest voice. i pant as i drive him around the playroom again and again as he giggles maniacally.

a group of kids come in from outside and the open door attracts his attention. i ask him if he wants to go outside and he points, so we get his jacket and go. he plays with a ball, digs through a play bin filled with toys, walks around and picks up dirt, he climbs a ladder and we take a ride on the swing. i almost burst into tears when he picks up a stick and draws in the dirt.

i am humbled. i have lived my life selfishly and shamelessly. now, i live for him.

the ex and i were more than cordial (i bear her no ill will, and in the interest of my son hope that she is happy and with the peace that she has always sought) and we actually spent the visitation together. the last thing i wanted was for him to freak out if she wasn't around, and i could tell that she wasn't too comfortable with the idea of leaving him. so i invited her to hang out, and she did. she did hang back to give us some time to get to know each other, and she gave me instructions on changing his cloth diaper.

we spoke of things toddler, and i met her husband who seems like a nice enough guy. can't take anything away from a man who will raise another mans child.

we spoke small talk, and were as friendly as we could be with a court date regarding the future of my son 2 days away.

on the 22nd i went into court dreading the whole procedure. i had no idea what was going to happen and how the ex and her lawyer were going to come at me. i also had no idea what the judge was going to be like, either. my lawyer is late and i feel worse. finally the lawyers go into the chambers where they argue out of sight. i can hear raised, muffled voices, and to be honest i am a nervous wreck. i recite the speech i had prepared and i tell myself that at the worst, i will still be able to see my son.

everything works out better than i expected. i didn't have to stand up before the court and give testimony, i didn't have to listen to any craziness from the ex's lawyer, and the ex agrees to a meeting later that day with my son! cool!

i have to submit hair and urine samples for a drug analysis, but i'm not worried about that. more hoops, but all good things don't come without a bit of work and frustration.

2008-09-18T22:54:00.001-04:00

thursday

2008-09-18T22:54:00.000-04:00

i'm in delaware helping a friend tear down and install some insulation at a beach house. i can hear the ocean as i pull nails and rip down ceiling panels and itch from the insulation. deep breaths aren't always pleasant since the air sometimes smells of the raccoons that used to nest up in the ceiling that we're tearing down. but the sea air is refreshing, and living is good.

in 2 days i see my 15 month old son for the first time. i am nervous and excited and can't wait to hear his voice and see him walk and drool and smile and look at me quizzically as i make strange faces at him, "googly ga ga, hey there young man would you like some cheerios?"

tuesday

2008-09-09T21:49:00.000-04:00

latest piece, inspired by presidential candidate barak obama.

wednesday

2008-09-03T17:29:00.000-04:00

when designing these characters i thought about what my children might look like. if i were to be with this person, maybe someone of this ethnicity (i abhor the term 'race') or another. what would they look like? or, what do i want them to look like?

anyhow, here are my beautiful children.

to babies with wings!

the next image in the series, carpe dizzle, a male version of the previous titled "carpe dizzle niki" the character has tattoos on his arms of carp swimming in the water, and a dragon decending from the clouds. the carp represent changes in life, love, courage, wisdom, and perseverance, while the dragon symbolizes learning and the arts.

seize the dizzay!

tuesday

2008-09-02T15:04:00.000-04:00

the phrase stuck with me, and inspired me to create a set of prints about it. by blending western and asian influences how would i best represent the spirit of that phrase?

here's the first in the series.

sunday

2008-08-31T04:16:00.000-04:00

A very close friend of mine, who has been an inspiration to me as an artist and human being, told me a story once.

On one of his many travels through this life he came across a chalk board with the words "carpe diem" written on it. For those who don't know(I had to ask and then looked it up), it was first used by the the Roman poet Horace in his poem "Odes", and has been roughly translated to "seize the day."

Here is an excerpt from the poem:


	Whether Jupiter has allotted to you many more winters or this final one
	which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the rocks placed opposite
	— be smart, drink your wine. Scale back your long hopes
	to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have {already} fled.
	Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future.

Thanks, Wikipedia.

After taking a moment to spend time with this encouraging message that someone had left the world, he picked up the chalk and rubbed out the "diem" and replaced it with "dizzle."

Seize the dizzay!